Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Unmotivated Day

The dog won't behave, my back hurts, my allergies are acting up, and I have a stomach ache.


There are a million things I should be doing, none of which sound remotely interesting. Even the thought of going back to bed bores me to tears. I have done some laundry and run the dishwasher. It took an hour to convince myself that I should make some lunch, because nothing I can keep down sounds good at all.

Really, I don't have much to complain about: my lovely husband has a good job, with good insurance, which allows me not to work until I feel ready. He earns enough to pay the bills and have a little extra for fun, and he is also able to be home with me a good deal of the time. We eat well: healthy, organic and as local as I can find. My family is pretty supportive, my friends generally understanding. As I said, I have nothing to complain about.

However, I can't shake the feeling that no one really knows how I feel, or even wants to. I hurt, all the time. Simple, everyday tasks are exhausting. I can't remember what it's like to not really need a nap by lunch time. I may elaborate at some later date, but that is not an exaggeration. Taking a bath hurts for hours after, and I dread it. People placate me, but how many healthy people really have any concept of what I go through just to get out of bed in the morning?

Today is one of the bad days. I can feel things flaring up. There are lots of things I know I should be doing, things that may help: the dreaded baths, some yoga, taking a walk. I've only been up for a few hours, and have only done a few smallish tasks in that time, but I can already hardly keep my eyes open. Sometimes I wonder if I like the really, REALLY bad days more: I am in such bad shape that I don't even think about all the things I should be doing, I sleep constantly, and Nick is just the sweetest, all the time. It's more like a dream, and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel: I know that the really awful pain won't last forever. But days like today, they happen a lot. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

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